Penguino

This is Penguino. He’s become an important member of the Oxley family residence over these last few months. This soft, adorable little penguin is magically able to bring us close when the distance is obvious and inescapable. I love this little guy. 

When the girls and I were in Portugal, we spent our days mostly playing pretend that we lived there more than the usual touristy types of things. I was making dinner most nights and helping to keep everyone’s clothes clean and folded which meant that errands needed ran and chores needed done. I was hoping to bring some feel of normalcy, familiar structure and familiar food to Megan and Matt while they were spending their days taking care of their mom at the hospital. 

There were a few times though that we would take a special outing to explore a bit. In our last days with Matt before our flight home we went to an aquarium in Porto. Honestly the thing I remember most about the aquarium is when I very publicly slammed my face into one of those peekaboo wall windows and smashed my nose with full force. I thought it was concave, I was wrong. I was in so much pain but also a fit of laughter. Aside from that… the aquarium is where we got Penguino. 

Right before we left, while the girls were enjoying an ice cream on their covered outdoor patio just outside the gift shop that was far too overstimulating at the moment, Matt came back with these two cuddly little creatures. One for Mya and one for Morgan. Mya was instantly infatuated and thanked her dad again and again for her new friend. Morgan wasn’t overly emotional about it, at one year old, she was just starting to love on her stuffed animals but she could get down with the excitement. It was actually a really beautiful moment as we sat there as a family; it was pouring rain a few feet away from our table but we were dry and the temperature was still pretty warm, eating ice cream and just living in our little love bubble. Much like our lives in that moment, we found safety within our relationship even when so many hard things were happening to us outside of that space. 

Well, long story short, one penguin made it into the kids carry on luggage and one penguin accidentally got left with dad at the hotel in the craziness of our packing and goodbyes. It wasn’t until Mya asked for the Penguin on the plane that I even realized it. 

We broke the news a few days after we got back. Our three year olds first reaction was of panic and she instantly started trying to brainstorm ways we could fly him home.  Morgan though, she thought it was hilarious! Every time her daddy would show his little Penguin friend on FaceTime she would run to go get his American twin. She would have them kiss the phone screen, dance around, make little noises… It was fabulous. 

Since then, the penguins have grown into a shared name of Penguino. This is not Portuguese by the way, it’s Italian. He sleeps on my bed in Matts spot and also in Matts arms in Braga. If the girls whisper in his ear, their daddy can hear what they say. 

Attachment is a fascinating concept and amazing to watch evolve as a parent. When Mya was Morgan’s age she was super attached to this little brown monkey lovey and it felt like she was going to be carrying that around until her twenties. Just two years later, the comfort item has switched probably 10 times with the only constant being SOFTNESS, this is a big sensory interest/need for Mya. 

When we were in Portugal, on our very first night, Mya grabbed a blanket off of auntie Megan’s bed. It’s super soft. Grandma had purchased this gray, velvety travel blanket for her trip and Megan had been sleeping with it since they had arrived. Mya was going no where without “grandmas blanket” from that day forward. She loved it. It smelled like her a bit too. In an instant, she could care less about the (oversized) blanket she insisted we bring with us internationally despite its size and bulk and now couldn’t sleep without a cuddle from grandma. 

The way an object can teleport us to a memory, a connection, an embrace… this is something truly beautiful. This is the whole idea behind souvenirs right? I truly believe that objects are able to hold energy and if you are intune and open to feeling the energy of a space or within an object, there’s a magic to where it can bring you and how it can heal you. 

I have one daughter that’s always liked to sleep. She came home from the hospital sleeping through the night and had me and Matt believing we were baby wizards of the night. I have another daughter though that is now 18 months and still wakes up two or three times a night wanting a snuggle. I’m actually rocking her right now as I write this on the notes section of my phone. 

When we first got to Portugal though, after a month of not seeing Matt had passed, Morgan slept through the night for 5 straight glorious weeks. This is the only stretch of time she has ever done this. I couldn’t decide if it was the jet lag or the difference in schedule we were operating with or what but I was awesome and I wasn’t complaining. It stopped the week before we left to come home and her restlessness is still ongoing. 

I think she was just so relieved to be with her dad and for our family to be complete that we was able to reach that safety to a whole new level. Maybe I’m reading into it too much. 

Sometimes when I dream though, my dad visits me. It’s one of my very favorite things. He always randomly will show up mid dream about something entirely different and it feels like I am physically with him. I always practically jump into his arms with a hug and react like he showed up half way through my lunch period in high school with a happy surprise for me. I’m instantly with him. 

Now, I happen to believe that I am actually with him in those moments and that there is some cosmic middle space that spirits can go to visit people they love from their past lives but that may be a longer blog entry for another time. The point here is the magic of being close when your bodies can’t be. 

I find myself holding on to the objects grandma gave us for a moment longer than normal in an effort to connect. Every time I dress the girls in an outfit she picked out and brought for them I linger in the love. Everything in the nursery holds her. 

Matt and Megan brought this little brown bear with them to the hospital. It’s made of mink I believe and it’s a bear that Matt was given as a boy. Within him are thousands of stories of his childhood and rocking chair snuggles with his mom, once a young mom with a restless babe of her own. That little bear now stays at the hospital with grandma day in and out; bringing our energy and love to her through its presence. 

I’m hopeful that our days of FaceTime parenting and Penuino are coming to an end. I’m optimistic that grandma and Matt will come home soon but until then, I’m so thankful we left one of those damn penguins behind. That happy accident gave us a language and way to say. “I wish you were here so badly that I’m going to pretend you are.” in a safe, real way. And it works.